Sunday, May 8, 2016

A Clean Sweep

Holy cow.

My mother bought me an early birthday present -one which was badly needed, in fact. A vacuum cleaner with every bell and whistle sans headlight, this thing picks up so much dirt and dust in its self-contained plastic "tornado box" that it's a miracle I was able to breathe these past seven years.

Don't get me wrong. My old vacuum was a vacuum in the academic sense. It was an upright. It had a handle. It had a brush rotor which I believe actually spun until sometime in the late nineties. For some odd reason, it never seemed to pick dirt up from the floor although it always found a way to clog itself like a bus in a roundabout. The only good thing I can say about it (and I'm being kind here) is that it was a blinding solar yellow, so misplacing it was sure never to happen, assuming misplacing vacuum cleaners are common occurrences among American homes.

The Hoover MegaHemiTurbo II Upright Vacuum entered my home, ready for duty and its first "sweep and destroy" mission, some assembly required. An unassuming light green, this Clark Kent color belies the machine's true character; once the power button is clicked, I have to engage in hand to hand combat techniques imparted to me some three decades ago in security specialist training at Lackland Air Force Base. This is to protect my new coffee table, my television, and my bookcase, all of which my new vacuum apparently seems to want to devour in an all-out manic charge. If you've ever had the opportunity to block, trap, and redirect an upright vacuum cleaner, you'll know where I'm coming from. I may be developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I may have the cleanest carpet in the neighborhood.

Uncrating the new arrival was a bit of an ordeal; I immediately recognized the man body of the vacuum, but was at once both immediately horrified and fascinated by a tiny micro attachment which is reminiscent of the monster which pops out of the abdomen in "Alien". I still haven't used it.

Another feature which is nice -and scary- is the retractable cord. It's nice not to have to wrap the cord around and around as though I'm weaving a basket. On the other hand, after I stepped on the cord release pedal and the cord whipped from the kitchen, through the dining room, and into the living room, I'm pleased to say I was able to pick the toaster off of the floor and put it back on the counter. And my cheek will make a full recovery.

I can't help thinking, as cruel as it may seem, what it's going to be like the day I'm vacuuming and the vacuum picks up some insect. I mean. the whole middle of the vacuum is clear plastic, so you're looking right at all of the dirt you're picking up. Poor insect. It's going to be a Hoofer F5 tornado. I bet I can make it spin fifty miles per hour.

Actually, I hope that never happens. All I want is a clean home. This vacuum is a Godsend. Thank you, mom. The air in my home is immeasurably better. My lungs no longer feel as though they have a restrictor plate on them due to the dust.

Now if I can find some mag wheels for this baby...

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