Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Case For Being Single: Dating Is Scary

It was suggested by one of my friends that a good idea for a column would center on the pitfalls of Internet dating. Having endured the horrors of that very experience, I can't help agreeing.

For my experience, it doesn't get any better than resting in the comfort that "you too can fall in love and live happily ever after for only $89.95". What does one say on a first date? "Hi, I'm Rob. Love what you've done with your online photo"?

I hope you'll pardon me for saying this, but as cold as this sounds some folks ought not have their picture taken by anyone not in possession of a professional photography license. Now, I'm no raving beauty myself, but when I got no fewer than nine "look at me" messages from the same woman within one day I decided to take a gander at her pic -if for no other reason than to be able to identify her out of a lineup if the need arose. I'm sure her online user name wouldn't help.

My goodness! Jutting out in the center of her photo was what can only be described as a "gigaoverbyte". Protruding front teeth aren't entirely uncommon, but "INeedAHug's" took up so much space that, in lieu of a picture, I got an error message saying, "bandwidth exceeded". She wasn't entirely unattractive to look at, but her pushiness was a definite turnoff for me. I chose not to reply to her, lest she discover my address and come over to beaver my foot off for not agreeing to meet her in Beckley WV "for drinks and possible...?"

And then there was "LivingTheDream".  A lanky blonde with some serious biceps, I wondered if the dating site had erred by placing some guy's file in the ladies' section. Nope. Turns out that she was looking for someone to "hook up with" for a bike ride out west somewhere. I envisioned hopping on some wimpy little Kawasaki, connecting with my love-to-be and introducing myself (and nearly getting tossed off my bike by her handshake). All would be fine at first. Despite her disdain for anything not a Shovelhead Harley, the woman would show off her uncanny ability to burp "We Will Rock you" in a mating ritual seldom seen on this side of the Appalachians. LivingTheDream would be ladylike enough until we got to Henryetta Oklahoma. That's where she'd connect with "Tiny" -a six foot, seven inch, three hundred forty pound bike gang enforcer who wanted to know "what the geek on the Kawasaki is doing with my old lady". After spending an hour or so being dragged around in chains by a rip roaring biker gang, I'd have to spend a week at Erma's Eatorium washing dishes in order to buy a bus ticket back home. The gang, meanwhile, would have dismantled the Kawasaki and distributed its various parts to all the members as memorabilia of the occasion.

The dating site was kind enough to inform me that I'm a "slacker" since only seventy-seven women responded to my picture and profile this week. That's kind of funny, since every guy I've ever known would positively strut with real-life numbers like that. I was informed, however, that I don't have to be lonely. For an additional one-hundred twenty-five bucks I can be transformed into a winner simply by paying for additional exposure.

I'm Not sure how much of a "winner" I can afford to be.

"ZestForLifeInMichigan" would have access to my profile, and I'm not into wolverine trapping.


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