Sunday, November 13, 2011

A Dreadfully Wonderful Afternoon

(From this past summer. Mental trauma is optional.) Today I went for a walk behind my neighborhood. Not one of those strolls that convey to passersy, "I'm  just so health-conscious and you're not, Mr. I-Run-The Ac-In-My-Lexus" kinds of messages. No, I was simply enjoying a great day -low humidity, clear skies, and every bird contributing to an incredible harmonization. Nothing, I tell you, could possibly be at odds with such a great day. Yuk!

I think I swallowed a fly.

Nature was really putting on a show, I'll tell you. Squirrrels and chipmunks were vying for attention, and some groundhog even gave me a smile! Softened by small, white clouds and a breathtakingly beautiful blue sky, the afternoon was destined to be remembered as one of the nicest I've enjoyed in quite awhile. I'm telling you, the sound of kids at play and dogs barking contributed to one idyllic afternoon.

"What if it was a pregnant fly?", I worried. What if the thing gives birth to baby flies, and then one day they just fly right out of my mouth while I'm talking? How downright embarrassing that would be. "Look", my friends would say. "Rob's showing off with his 'flies-from-the-mouth trick' again", and they'd snub me for being such an unbearable showoff. That would be traumatic, to say the least.

And the temperature! Eighty-four degrees. Low, low humidity -perfect for stretching these arthritic-riddled knees of mine. If only I had a dog to take for a walk with me. Like the Boxer I had when I was a kid. I remember when I'd get his leash from the miscellaneous drawer -the one with green stamps, a pack of thumbtacks from 1954, and a Salt Lake City phone book. I tell you, if I had a drawer like that today I'd have a whole pack of Boxers. I'd pull the leash, let the links of its chain rattle a little, and brace myself as approximately five hundred pounds of dog tackled me in exuberance best displayed by this breed.

If that fly was a horsefly, I'm in trouble. We all know where those things lay their eggs...

I bet my knees wouldn't feel so bad if more days could be like this one. Then again, as warm as it has been lately, swimming would help stave off the pain felt under these patellas. In fact, there's a swimming pool at a nearby apartment complex. I bet I could sneak right in and cannonball my way off the deep end before being discovered as an intruder.

Had my fears been confirmed about that fly, I would have had THE worst breath. Really.

I went for it. "Let me head home and grab my swim trunks which I last wore in 1987", I mused. I hoped they still fit. Are aqua-colored fish still considered a manly design on those things? I was a lock to impress the babes, I'll tell you.

Maybe if I had mixed some mouthwash with some insecticide... No, better to risk having bad breath instead.

Wow, what a beautiful afternoon! I had taken a plunge into the deep end and hadn't even been laughed at by the cute blonde with whom I found myself discussing potential long-range effects of cable TV on cognitive dissonance and where to get the best cherry cobbler in Duluth. Thus far she hadn't mentioned my breath as I cleared my throat.

Good news! What I feared might be an ingested fly turned out to be small blade of grass kicked up by a breeze. I certainly wasn't going to be midwifing any baby flies today. That bit of information rounded out a most wonderful day! Hmm.

What if the grass has germinated?

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