Friday, December 24, 2010

Narrative Therapy For Fun And Profit (Sponsorship Welcome For Hackneyed Title)

Yes, I heard the weather report, too. I saw your car parked in the Kroger parking lot nine minutes after the weather report. Mm hmm. A couple of inches of snow shouldn't be motivation enough to buy those fifteen bags of Doritos, twenty-one loaves of bread, industrial case-size of Bubba Burgers, forty gallons of milk, fifty-one bags of cheese doodles, sixteen cartons of Eggos, thirty-seven containers of sour cream, forty-one bags of Oreos, nine packs of bacon, and two-hundred twelve cubes of Mountain Dew Throwback (MAN that stuff is good!).


Dude, snow is coming, but no more than four inches, one and a half of which will stick to the roads for about five hours. And what was up with the argument over on aisle three over who saw the Red Baron Thin Crust pepperoni pizza first? Let it go. Thank God the Air Force taught me, during my brief tenure, how to find food where none supposedly exists. After the mass panic at Kroger, I was ready to take my chances with boiled pine bark. I'll let someone who's better at being Obsessive-Compulsive count how many parking lot slots Kroger has (I do Bipolar); the total vehicle count would keep such a person happily occupied for days.

(Due to budget considerations, an amusing photo image will take the place of the segue regularly scheduled for this paragraph space. I regret any inconvenience this may cause.)

Speaking of "overshopping", what's the deal with shopping carts these days? Who makes these things? Hummer? Until recently, I had never seen a shopping cart designed, apparently, to hold enough groceries (plus whatever movies are available from Red Box) for an entire subdivision. I was over at Cave Spring Corners talking with the grocery shopper representing Windsor West the other night. He was having extraordinary difficulty overcoming the inertia caused by the competing forces of gravity and potential for forward motion. Several Chrysler engineers, in an agreement with the federal government regarding repayment of their share of the bailout, were consulted. It was determined that the best course of action for these carts, which have grown as large as a '68 Newport, is a four hundred horsepower Hemi (insert "tm" logo here) engine. I have my own suspicions regarding the reasoning behind such gargantuan carts. I believe the idea isn't for the stores to make more money. Rather, by designing heavier carts (and weighing them down with everything starting from lettuce all the way over to the soft drink aisle), the overwhelming mass, when pushed, will more than offset the total number of calories of those Toaster Strudels you're about to purchase, Suzie.

This, of course, will require more trips to Kroger. You'll need more food after the appetite you're going to work up hauling all that junk.Weight loss pills in Aisle seven? Might as well camp out there. No point in lugging those home with you; you'll be dead from starvation somewhere between Taco Bell and the Coffee Pot. History books don't tell the whole story; grocery stores existed back in the 1800s, but our ancestors, wisely, decided that it was actually easier to make soap and raise food than to lug it home from the supermarket. The other day, I purchased $65.00 worth of groceries, and placed all of the bags into one large reinforced black plastic trash bag. When I picked it up, I almost threw my back out. Considering that a mere four years ago I was capable of picking up and carrying a cast iron bathtub the length of a storeroom at work (please don't tell my boss -I was creating space much needed at the time), that's saying something. Who knew spaghetti could weigh so much?

The next time it snows, Nadine, please don't panic. You're not going to be snowed in like they are in Maine. This is the South, gol-durnit.The worst that happens in these here parts is that Florida gets a chill and you spend an extra thirty-seven cents for orange juice next spring. Deal with it. (This just in: NEVER mix Sweet-Tart candy with balsamic vinegar.) You already have a four wheel drive vehicle. Driving along oh-so-mountainous Penn Forest Boulevard so you can get to a convenience store run by another guy with a four wheel drive vehicle in order to purchase that emergency case of Ice House shouldn't be a problem.

Why, then, all the pandemonium at the Cocoa Puffs in aisle six, as though time were going to stop at any moment? Four inches of snow is coming; and, conveniently enough, going almost as quickly.

You will survive this blizzard.

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