Anyone who knows me also knows I have a raging Bipolar disorder. What a fancy way of saying I fall into bad moods and have to pay for them via medication at one-hundred thirty-two bucks a pop.
That sounds pretty expensive, kids, but that's because my disorder is the deluxe model -it comes with optional psychotic breaks -sounds much worse than it is. Recently my doc changed my meds so I could sleep a little better.
Ha.
Not only am I sleeping worse, I'm also experiencing unshakable thoughts and I feel overwhelmingly pulled to do what I have to in order to keep it all under control. No mean feat. Ordinary stressors aren't any problem. You run late for work, you bitch at the guy in front of you to speed up. The electric bill is higher than you expected and money's tight. Man up and deal.
Beyond a certain point -a threshold, however -there is no manning up. When the doc switched my meds, she instructed me to keep a journal and log any difference in my behavior over one month. I've selected only a few of my experiences because I don't know how much time I have before it happens -whatever it is:
Friday, March 1 -Yuk! This new med tastes worse, if that's possible, than all the other infused-with-soullessness-and-bitterness flavor of everything from aspirin to anti-anxiolitics. If someone took penicillin and rubbed it against a skunk's ass before burying it in an old sweater in an artesian well for three years, then had a semi rev its exhaust stacks under it for an hour, that would almost perfectly capture the flavor of this new wonder drug. I took it and almost vomited the damn thing out.
Saturday, March 2 -My tongue tried to release itself from its mooring, somewhere past my epiglottis, in a desperate attempt to divorce itself from the impending gag reflex. I soldiered on in the hopes that my sanity will one day be more complete. (Did I really say that?)
Thursday, March 8 -This stuff is actually beginning to calm me down. Decreased anxiety, of course, means improved concentration. Hey, I might even be able to go back to school. Who knows? For the first time since I can't remember, I feel a small glimmer of hope!
Monday, March 12 -Back to the doc. Told her the great news! (Yeah, right!) I'm getting seven hours of blissful, nightmare-free (almost) sleep lately. The bags under my eyes are actually disappearing!
Tuesday, March 25 -There hasn't been much to report recently -until now. Sleep was great, nightmares, almost completely gone. I don't hear or see things which don't exist. I did see something weird the other night. It was right outside my apartment door, but I don't want to talk about that now. Life is great!
Saturday, March 29 -Haven't seen anything lately. Heard the floor settle, but it makes groaning sounds quite a lot anyway. I guess that can't qualify as an auditory hallucination. Am putting on a little weight. Doc says that's a temporary side effect.
Wednesday, April 1 -The floor upstairs is settling again, and (thank you meds!) I see the humor in it! It sounds like footsteps. They pace back and forth and then stop. I laugh because I can imagine someone stopping every so often to listen in order to determine whether or not I'm six feet below him.
Sunday, April 5 -Am having dreams again. They used to be bad ones, but this new drug helps me to see the humor in almost anything. Besides, no matter how gory or hopeless you feel in a dream, it's only a dream. Coincidentally, the lines which were clearing up under my eyes are coming back. With a vengeance. LOL!
Monday, April 6 -Looking out over the courtyard I see the most fascinating thing. Tree branches, twisting in all shapes and curves, overlap just well enough to make it look as though they're spelling "death" and "him"! As though I'd believe that!
Wednesday, April 8 -Doc is adjusting my meds. That's great! As good as I'm feeling these days, and considering how many decades I've experienced intense horror, I feel on top of the world. And it's only going to get better!
Friday, April 12 - Wow! I can't stop laughing at the silliness of it all! Like a Warner Brothers cartoon, the news today showed some elderly man being blown up by an errant grenade somewhere in the Middle East. Boom! Just like that coyote guy! Hey fella, all those guts belong on your inside! LOL!!
Saturday, April 13 -Tonight I took out the garbage, which is funny enough, but this night I was literally chased by humanoid shadows -from the dumpster all the way back down the hill to my apartment! Ha ha, shadows! I'm inside so you didn't tag me out! Nyah!
Sunday, April 14 -I don't know what happened, but tomorrow my doc will definitely be hearing from me. The nightmares are back even though my sleep has improved. "Someone" keeps rattling my doorknob late at night, so I sleep during the day. I'm feeling depressed somewhat; today I can't see the humor in things. Hopefully it'll pass.
Monday, April 15 -The doc isn't available. Something about taxes. Damn! I really need to see her. This morning, at 12:48 AM, the trees outside came alive. The branches grew, then shrunk. And as they did so, I clearly saw, courtesy of the sidewalk lamps, that they were spelling "he will die soon", spelling one word at a time. There wasn't any wind around the neighborhood except for through those awful trees! I have reason to suspect that I'm being terrorized and mocked. The wind spoke! It quoted the message in those ugly branches! For the first time in a long time, I'm afraid.
Monday, April 15 -I'm exhausted. and very scared. About an hour ago, an hour and a half after sunset, I saw three figures (that's the only way I can describe them) standing at the far end of the sidewalk outside the building. Three of them, staring, staring.
At me.
All of them were dressed in long coats -odd, considering how warm it has been. I sure wasn't up to dealing with them. As the old adage goes, it's better to make a good run than a bad stand. I didn't feel like going inside my apartment, since there's only one door. That would make me vulnerable. Instead, I decided to go to my car and take off for awhile. As I walked -quickly- to my car, I heard them walking behind me -and they were picking up the pace. I could hear their boots clacking on the sidewalk just as I rounded the corner of the building.
Then I had an idea, albeit a counter-intuitive one.: you can't chase that which doesn't move.
I decided to wait until they appeared from the corner. When I stopped, they stopped. I resumed walking to the car, and as I did so, so did they.
They popped around the corner, staring, no whites in their eyes. That's when I threw all caution to the wind, as it were, and sprinted the remaining seventy feet to my ride. I barely made it the hell out of there. I must have hit forty across the lot! The more turns I made, the safer I began to feel. What I needed -more than just about anything else- was distance. I got to a local restaurant, thinking that safety in numbers could only ease my mind. Then it happened. Something which has torn me in half.
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, in that restaurant began whispering "he will die soon". I fell to the floor of that place. Someone called 911. Emergency room this, temporary psychiatric unit that, a local magistrate determining that I cannot escape those who are trying to kill me (they're absolutely everywhere, even in the hallowed halls of mental hospitals), and a bogus Mental Status Exam complete with questions like "Do you know where you are?", and here I am, trapped like a calf in a fattening pen.
If you find this, it means they got to me. Do yourself a big, fat favor, and escape at any and all cost.
They stop at nothing.
That sounds pretty expensive, kids, but that's because my disorder is the deluxe model -it comes with optional psychotic breaks -sounds much worse than it is. Recently my doc changed my meds so I could sleep a little better.
Ha.
Not only am I sleeping worse, I'm also experiencing unshakable thoughts and I feel overwhelmingly pulled to do what I have to in order to keep it all under control. No mean feat. Ordinary stressors aren't any problem. You run late for work, you bitch at the guy in front of you to speed up. The electric bill is higher than you expected and money's tight. Man up and deal.
Beyond a certain point -a threshold, however -there is no manning up. When the doc switched my meds, she instructed me to keep a journal and log any difference in my behavior over one month. I've selected only a few of my experiences because I don't know how much time I have before it happens -whatever it is:
Friday, March 1 -Yuk! This new med tastes worse, if that's possible, than all the other infused-with-soullessness-and-bitterness flavor of everything from aspirin to anti-anxiolitics. If someone took penicillin and rubbed it against a skunk's ass before burying it in an old sweater in an artesian well for three years, then had a semi rev its exhaust stacks under it for an hour, that would almost perfectly capture the flavor of this new wonder drug. I took it and almost vomited the damn thing out.
Saturday, March 2 -My tongue tried to release itself from its mooring, somewhere past my epiglottis, in a desperate attempt to divorce itself from the impending gag reflex. I soldiered on in the hopes that my sanity will one day be more complete. (Did I really say that?)
Thursday, March 8 -This stuff is actually beginning to calm me down. Decreased anxiety, of course, means improved concentration. Hey, I might even be able to go back to school. Who knows? For the first time since I can't remember, I feel a small glimmer of hope!
Monday, March 12 -Back to the doc. Told her the great news! (Yeah, right!) I'm getting seven hours of blissful, nightmare-free (almost) sleep lately. The bags under my eyes are actually disappearing!
Tuesday, March 25 -There hasn't been much to report recently -until now. Sleep was great, nightmares, almost completely gone. I don't hear or see things which don't exist. I did see something weird the other night. It was right outside my apartment door, but I don't want to talk about that now. Life is great!
Saturday, March 29 -Haven't seen anything lately. Heard the floor settle, but it makes groaning sounds quite a lot anyway. I guess that can't qualify as an auditory hallucination. Am putting on a little weight. Doc says that's a temporary side effect.
Wednesday, April 1 -The floor upstairs is settling again, and (thank you meds!) I see the humor in it! It sounds like footsteps. They pace back and forth and then stop. I laugh because I can imagine someone stopping every so often to listen in order to determine whether or not I'm six feet below him.
Sunday, April 5 -Am having dreams again. They used to be bad ones, but this new drug helps me to see the humor in almost anything. Besides, no matter how gory or hopeless you feel in a dream, it's only a dream. Coincidentally, the lines which were clearing up under my eyes are coming back. With a vengeance. LOL!
Monday, April 6 -Looking out over the courtyard I see the most fascinating thing. Tree branches, twisting in all shapes and curves, overlap just well enough to make it look as though they're spelling "death" and "him"! As though I'd believe that!
Wednesday, April 8 -Doc is adjusting my meds. That's great! As good as I'm feeling these days, and considering how many decades I've experienced intense horror, I feel on top of the world. And it's only going to get better!
Friday, April 12 - Wow! I can't stop laughing at the silliness of it all! Like a Warner Brothers cartoon, the news today showed some elderly man being blown up by an errant grenade somewhere in the Middle East. Boom! Just like that coyote guy! Hey fella, all those guts belong on your inside! LOL!!
Saturday, April 13 -Tonight I took out the garbage, which is funny enough, but this night I was literally chased by humanoid shadows -from the dumpster all the way back down the hill to my apartment! Ha ha, shadows! I'm inside so you didn't tag me out! Nyah!
Sunday, April 14 -I don't know what happened, but tomorrow my doc will definitely be hearing from me. The nightmares are back even though my sleep has improved. "Someone" keeps rattling my doorknob late at night, so I sleep during the day. I'm feeling depressed somewhat; today I can't see the humor in things. Hopefully it'll pass.
Monday, April 15 -The doc isn't available. Something about taxes. Damn! I really need to see her. This morning, at 12:48 AM, the trees outside came alive. The branches grew, then shrunk. And as they did so, I clearly saw, courtesy of the sidewalk lamps, that they were spelling "he will die soon", spelling one word at a time. There wasn't any wind around the neighborhood except for through those awful trees! I have reason to suspect that I'm being terrorized and mocked. The wind spoke! It quoted the message in those ugly branches! For the first time in a long time, I'm afraid.
Monday, April 15 -I'm exhausted. and very scared. About an hour ago, an hour and a half after sunset, I saw three figures (that's the only way I can describe them) standing at the far end of the sidewalk outside the building. Three of them, staring, staring.
At me.
All of them were dressed in long coats -odd, considering how warm it has been. I sure wasn't up to dealing with them. As the old adage goes, it's better to make a good run than a bad stand. I didn't feel like going inside my apartment, since there's only one door. That would make me vulnerable. Instead, I decided to go to my car and take off for awhile. As I walked -quickly- to my car, I heard them walking behind me -and they were picking up the pace. I could hear their boots clacking on the sidewalk just as I rounded the corner of the building.
Then I had an idea, albeit a counter-intuitive one.: you can't chase that which doesn't move.
I decided to wait until they appeared from the corner. When I stopped, they stopped. I resumed walking to the car, and as I did so, so did they.
They popped around the corner, staring, no whites in their eyes. That's when I threw all caution to the wind, as it were, and sprinted the remaining seventy feet to my ride. I barely made it the hell out of there. I must have hit forty across the lot! The more turns I made, the safer I began to feel. What I needed -more than just about anything else- was distance. I got to a local restaurant, thinking that safety in numbers could only ease my mind. Then it happened. Something which has torn me in half.
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, in that restaurant began whispering "he will die soon". I fell to the floor of that place. Someone called 911. Emergency room this, temporary psychiatric unit that, a local magistrate determining that I cannot escape those who are trying to kill me (they're absolutely everywhere, even in the hallowed halls of mental hospitals), and a bogus Mental Status Exam complete with questions like "Do you know where you are?", and here I am, trapped like a calf in a fattening pen.
If you find this, it means they got to me. Do yourself a big, fat favor, and escape at any and all cost.
They stop at nothing.
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